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| The Wandering Jew by Marc Chagall |
And so, I have received a revelation.
Ever since I moved to the US, I have struggled with my identity, not fitting in with the Russian, Jewish, or American culture. I couldn't understand who I was, and I was fighting to determine where I fit in. I didn't feel Jewish enough, for, as many people mistakenly assume, Jewishness is a religion. But I wasn't religious, never having read the Torah, or Talmud, and never having stepped into a synagogue. However, I always felt profoundly Jewish, and suffered for my identity being reflected in my last name and the size of my nose back in my home country. Nevertheless, I couldn't fit in with the religious Jews, or American secular Jews, the stereotyped spoiled JAPs and ferklempt housewives of Long Island. Neither would I fit in with the Jews of Israel, I've felt more and more, learning how much hostility they have among each group, and the close-minded primitive hatred a lot of them harbored against Palestinians.
In the first years of living in the US, I still felt strong ties with the Russian culture of my home country. I listened only to the Russian music, closed off from the world by my Walkman. I read mainly Russian literature, and wrote poetry in Russian. As if I still desperately tried to hold on to the only identity I knew and felt comfortable in - the Russian one. Everything Russian was good, and everything American was evil and wrong. I was secluding myself from the outside American culture, but try as I might, my knowledge of English and generally curious nature opened me up more and more to the culture of the country of my chosen refuge.
As the years passed, I've absorbed more and more the bits and pieces of American culture. At times, I'm startled when people still refer to me as Lu from Russia, thinking they are talking about someone else. I feel at ease in the world of directness and friendliness, which is the American Soul. It hurts me greatly now to see this Soul be pillaged by financial troubles, and separation and fear brought on by senseless wars for "our freedom". I have many American friends, of different faiths or no faiths at all, of different ethnicities and colors. But every once in a while, I am struck with the thought of how huge our differences are, and how many of them can't even comprehend a different life style or point of view. (And why don't they salt their food??!!!?)
So here I was stuck in the limbo between different personalities of mine, and never quite fitting in any of them. Until I shut off my obsessive depressive thoughts, and forced myself to calm down and let God take care of all the crazy things in my life. I came across a powerful message in a great book, which is keeping me connected to the ultimate source of my people's belief's - Kabbalah. The book "The God-Powered Life: Awakening to Your Divine Purpose" is written by Rabbi David Aaron, who has studied Kabbalah most of his life and translated it for the laymen, like myself. Rabbi Aaron recounts a famous Mark Twain's quote, "All things are mortal, but the Jew; all other forces pass, but he remains. What is the secret of his immortality?" According to Rabbi Aaron,
